maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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