I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
