There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
