oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
