Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
