Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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