If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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