New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
