Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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