I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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