the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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