I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize