Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's shark week go big or go home
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize