I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
