dude i'm inner monologue high
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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