i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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