im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just gargled with NyQuil
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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