I accidentally had phone sex last night
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
