Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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