Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize