I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
