Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize