I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
love makes seman taste better
sarcasm needs its own font
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
