I could make wine with my vomit
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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