there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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