I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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