just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
