mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
