I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
