very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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