I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
