My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
