The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We left an ass print on the piano.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
