I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm jealous of your bromance
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
