She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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