shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize