I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
