I just saw a hot homeless man
Your dad touched me again.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize
