my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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