Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
