I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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