I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
