I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
