Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
