There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
