A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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