Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
