Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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