my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize