I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize