Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
