Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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