I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just had sex on a roof
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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