I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
