Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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