my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
