He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
well you can't waste a boner
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
