My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
