Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
