She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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