So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
