I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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