I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
