This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
