why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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